It's been a while since my last post, but I've been busy. But, despite my extrodinarily busy schedule as of late, I was prompted to write a scathing review of my current hotel within 20 minutes of arriving.
Let me just tell the story and you'll get the list of my complaints while I'm at it. The hotel, by the way, is Le Priori in Quebec City.
First off, there's no parking lot, so you have to pull up on an already narrow street and park illegally while you check in. No big deal. I've done similar things before. So I check in and the guy is friendly and efficient. I ask what to do with my bike and he says to bring it in and he'll store it in the basement. So I bring in my luggage and drop it in my room only to run downstairs to get my bike (I am parked illegally, afterall). I take my bike off the rack and the guy holds the door for me and takes my bike away to some unknown place where I don't even know if it'll be locked up.
He tells me the parking lot is down the street and to go around the block and turn left at the light. He gives me this card with barcodes all over it and I head for the parking lot. When I get there, I see a machine where I presume you're supposed to put the card, but I quickly see no barcode reader (only magnetic strip readers) and, since the gate is already up anyway, I just drive on through.
BIG MISTAKE!
I suddenly realize that I'm probably in the wrong lot. So I pull up to the exit, where the gate is down, and pull out my AMEX Corporate card. My thought process is "I haven't been here that long, it can't be that much". The machine politely tells me that there is no record for my document... and that's all it tells me. No gate lifting, no "Please see attendant"... nothing. I hit the "Help" button (politely indicated with the universal sign for "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING", the question mark). Unfortunately, no one answers. Not in French, not in English... nothing. So I start over to the entrance to leave the way I came in only to discover that the gate has since been closed! Argh! I park my car and start wandering around thinking "Maybe I AM in the right lot". Sure enough, I find that I'm in the right place. However, I now know that, regardless of being in the right place, I still can't get out. But I know that I have this fancy schmancy card the guy gave me. So I walk up to the machine and... nothing. I mean, I can't even put my card in. There's nothing at all.... like someone shut off the power. Damnit! There's a weight sensing switch!
So I get back in my car and drive up to the damn machine and put my card in. It tells me - in French, that I can't leave without having entered. I don't know, but it sounds more Chinese to me. So I drive over to the teller and exclaim "I'm stuck in your lot! I try to leave and it tells me I can't leave because I haven't entered" and give him my card. He looks at me with a surprised expression and says - in perfect English - "I don't understand". So I explain (in REALLY bad French because I'm SO not trying at this point) that I want to get the hell out of there. He fiddles with my card and his computer for a while and then tells me - in French - that it's very important that I insert the ca...... whatever.... I drove off.
Now, it's important to note that I didn't really need to get out of the lot. I WANTED to park so I could go to my room and get some dinner. But I didn't want to leave my car there if I couldn't get out. So immediately upon exiting, I turn the corner and go back to the same gate that I entered the first time. THIS time, however, I have the power of knowing that I have a card that gets me in! So I insert my card and wait. The machine spits out my card and tells me it's in wrong. Remember, the only indicators on this machine say that the magnetic stripe goes down and to the right. But I have no magnetic stripe, I have a barcode! So I reorient the card and insert it again. Nothing. I reorient the card and insert it again. Nothing. I reorient the card and insert it again. Ding! The gate opens, I start swearing and my car gets parked! Yay!
Ahh.... so I walk to my hotel and go into my room, where there is a light on for my convenience. However, it's a bright light on the celing and I want more subtle, localized light. What do YOU do when you want more light? Do you, say, flick the switch? Turn the dimmer? Probably so! That's what I usually do, so that's what I did here. In fact, I have both a dimmer and a switch. The dimmer, as it turns out, is for the ceiling fan (yes, kids... ceiling fan!), and the light switch... well... I'm still not sure what it does other than make a 'click' when I flick it. It sure as hell doesn't turn on the lights right above it, though! So I go to the desk and try to turn on the lamp. No switch. Lovely. Ah! There it is on the cord. "Flick"... and then there was darkness. That's right, the switch does nothing! I have been blessed with not one, but TWO switches that don't turn on lights! So I call my new best friend at the front desk and he explains to me that the lights above the sink are controlled by another switch hidden under the shelf. Well, that explains the lights, but not that switch. Also, he tells me he'll come check the desk lamp. Which he does. Then he goes to get a bulb (couldn't have thought about that before there, couldya, Ace?!). He comes back with the bulb. The bulb is the wrong size. He comes back with another bulb. No light. I point out that the cord is mangled and he says he'll go get another lamp. Which he does. He returns. No light. Finally, I tell him that my laptop (which I had time to set up during this ordeal) was working fine so maybe he should try the other outlet. Ding! And there was light on the desk! Yay!
So I sit down at my desk to log into their complementary wireless internet (which I am using to write this now, by the way). I pull the chair up under me and... what's this? The arm of the chair falls off in my hand! What's next?! So I get logged onto the wireless network with little problem (BTW, the ESSID is "Wireless Priori" and the network key is their phone number "4186923992". Stop by and get some free bandwidth!). Ding! And there was wireless. And it was good.
So by this time (it's late, I won't even tell you about how long I had to wait for the ferry from Levis) I have to use the restroom. I go into this tiny little room with a toilet and a shower (the sink and the old-style bathtub are in the bedroom.... WTF?!). The toilet is not exactly clean and the whole seat assembly is as loose as a toddlers molars. Suddenly I realize that this place is about the quality of the Florenceville Motor Inn (yes, it's as bad as it sounds). The big difference is that the Florenceville Motor Inn doesn't pretend to be all fancy. They KNOW they're the Florenceville Motor Inn! They don't need to pretend anything! Le Priori is a pig with lipstick!
Yet to discover: Comfortable bed? Quality television? Quiet air cond.... damnit! The thing sounds like a jet coming in for a landing!
... And this place DARES to put an envelope in the room so you can tip your cleaning person. Bah!
BAH! I say!
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